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poetry/t/twenty-one.txt

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+Twenty-One
+2021-04-30
+
+***
+
+Come spring, there will be a garden in the backyard.
+And I know that it will be hard
+to convince my fingers to dig into the dirt,
+to convince them that this time
+it will not hurt,
+they will not bleed,
+that things will grow from the ground
+lush and ripe and able to my hunger feed.
+
+A year and a half ago, I almost died
+wandering the town square,
+waiting for the library to open again
+so I could from my mother
+and her screaming matches
+and her commercialism
+and her endless onslaught of interruptions
+hide.
+My thighs were burning,
+not from the labors of childbirth,
+but from the frostnip thawing-
+and, by Goddess, did it *hurt*.
+Flesh as human,
+almost a refugee.
+
+I was test-running homelessness
+like it were a new car,
+like it came with a commercial:
+freedom
+and a world
+stretched out in front of me
+that I could hold
+if only my palms could handle infinity.
+
+But I didn't want to leave
+my favorite tree
+behind.
+I couldn't stand to watch the rain
+come down and feel the pain
+in my heart, asking:
+what is it worth if I gain
+the world but lose
+my life because I felt
+I could only choose
+scraping by on the skin of my belt?
+
+I tell myself, one of these days I will run.
+I will slip out once the sun
+has gone to its own home
+and I will leave mine forever.
+
+But all that I do
+is as if
+I will stay.
+
+I reach
+for the sky
+as I dig my own grave.
+
+I let Mother
+and Grandmother
+and people I only know through my mother
+buy me gifts
+I know I have not the room to abscond with.
+I fix my desktop,
+giving it a new shot
+at life under my desk.
+I buy a game,
+even knowing it insane,
+so much money just to stare into a screen
+and let the remnants color my dreams.
+
+But in the remnants
+I find a baby quilt
+faded and soft
+that speaks of unconditional love and shelter.
+
+In the remnants
+I find myself laughing
+at a homemade cake,
+lopsided, wildly off-kilter.
+
+In the remnants
+I find a life worth patching back together.
+
+I find a garden
+and a bicycle
+and a gentle rhythm
+of pleasures simple.
+
+There is no audience to please.
+There is no greatness to be attained.
+Just go enjoy your life.
+The outcome will be the same.
+
+You survived Goddess' trial,
+convinced you had to cut yourself down,
+but instead you slashed open your chest and let forth
+an ocean so deep she might drown.
+
+And what scares you is that, if she does,
+you might not emit a single sob,
+for your love stands at your back and whispers,
+"Create a world with no need for gods."
+
+Over and over again
+you find yourself
+discovering there was never any other way.
+
+Over and over again
+you find yourself
+reaffirming the decision to stay.
+
+***
+
+CC BY-NC-SA 4.0 (c) Vane Vander