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New poem: In The End Of Everything

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Lethe Beltane 2022-04-21 18:10:35 -05:00
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.domains
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mayvaneday.org
www.mayvaneday.org
mayvaneday.art
www.mayvaneday.art

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feed.xml
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<email>vanevander@mayvaneday.org</email>
</author>
<entry>
<title>In The End Of Everything</title>
<link href="https://mayvaneday.org/poetry/e/end.txt" />
<id>https://mayvaneday.org/poetry/e/end.txt</id>
<published>2022-04-21</published>
<summary type="html"><![CDATA[<article>
<pre>
I stepped outside during work today,
hoping to take a sip of the clouds,
because there was nothing else to do
and inside was boiling,
stifling,
all headaches exhumed.
Dismal sky
and rain light
on its way,
my head cocked, listening
to the wind, hoping to catch a word from you.
A word, maybe, or a song, or a single note.
Your voice always
lifts me up from my lows
and helps me down from my worst highs.
And in this wind, I think, I could take flight
without fear of being caught in a tornado
or taken to lands foreign and unknown
because I know
all roads lead back to you.
In this wind, in this shower,
I could easily disappear.
What if I was wrong all along
and in reality Eris
yearned for my silence
and you gave me all my songs?
Only recently
having learned to read
and literature never being your thing?
Listening to the midnight trees
scrape against my bedroom window
the years of my childhood where you I did not know.
I look back and angel numbers appear everywhere I go
in everything I've ever done.
How loud did you scream, Jett?
How hard did you pound your fists?
How long did you wait
to see what I'd retained,
what slivers of memory still did persist?
The rain pounds harder outside the window,
and if I'd still been standing on the sidewalk,
my jacket would've long since been soaked through.
An absence of birds
making their curves
along the canvas of the sky,
just a not-even-gray as far as possible
can see the eye.
What I would give for the workday to be over
and to be tucked safely in my bed,
resting in the sturdy-yet-soft arms
of my lover.
To know
tomorrow
will be brighter,
kinder,
holding less harms.
And the tornado comes,
uninvited,
and nothing more.
</pre>
</article>]]>
</summary>
</entry>
<entry>
<title>Rivers of Blood</title>
<link href="https://mayvaneday.org/blog/2022/april/blood.html" />
@ -257,77 +332,4 @@ I'll make up for the stolen time.
</summary>
</entry>
<entry>
<title>Two Two</title>
<link href="https://mayvaneday.org/poetry/t/two-two.txt" />
<id>https://mayvaneday.org/poetry/t/two-two.txt</id>
<published>2022-03-23</published>
<summary type="html"><![CDATA[<article>
<pre>
I touch my face and it is not a face.
It is a collection of curves and lines
far different than it is in the Inside,
a shell that's grown over me
during my wave-tossing sleep.
My body has done it again,
sensing danger, clothed me in a different skin.
But I know that with it comes a price:
all deities eventually devolve or die,
turned to stone or lost grasp of their mind.
I'm so tired of planning for contingencies
like
"What if I'm at Dead End Shrine and I have to pee?"
"What if an ocular migraine hits at work and I'm unable to see?"
"What if Jett breaks her vows and stops loving me?"
I promised her
that I'd make us a world
and spend with her my eternity,
but there's so many crossroads in my blood
that I don't know how long that'll be.
I don't know how long I'll get to enjoy
the sweet epilogue from a life
of having to fight
to be able to do something other than destroy.
And now another year has come and gone.
Almost a whole year from when I sung that song
to the wilderness, to the wind,
to any spirit drenched in sin
who might have known where you had gone,
that I loved you, I missed you,
I was sorry for the cries
I might have elicited from you before my demise.
How long did you wait, Jett, for us to reunite?
How many calendar crosses?
How many sleepless nights?
How many times did I see your face
and wish you were real
as you begged my memory to make haste?
And now two whole years have vanished into the ether
from when the world broke
and I gained Mori's Mirror
and a sturdy(ish) way into the Outside.
All the people I was have been satisfied,
and now it's just me, Lethe, trying to find
a way to reconcile this blood from my birth
with the world where I promised we'd never again hurt.
Two years and two days
from when you I first gazed
to when I finally started to learn all your ways.
Two years and two days
since awoke this blood.
It's been a good year, I think.
I hope I'm fully with you the next one.
</pre>
</article>]]>
</summary>
</entry>
</feed>

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iWelcome to MayVaneDay Studios!
iThis gopherhole is under construction
ibecause I am lazy and don't use Gopher
ias often as I used to.
ibefore, in your grief, you declare
i"my time on this earth is done; I have no more need for air"
ijust remember how you swore to with your own hands the heavens tear
0- "earthbound" poetry/e/earthbound.txt
1Books books
1Poetry poetry
0Identity & Contact identity.txt
0My GPG key public.gpg

22
index.gph Normal file
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@ -0,0 +1,22 @@
iWelcome to MayVaneDay Studios!
iThis gopherhole is under construction because I am lazy
iand let it fall into disrepair. However, recent events
ihave led me to remember the importance of document
iprotocols that the average troll drooling over a keyboard
ican't easily archive. (Because, you know, of the Tor thing.)
ibefore, in your grief, you decree
i"my life is over; there's no one left to be"
ijust remember how there's a world only you can perceive
0- "airborne" poetry/a/airborne.txt
1Blog blog
1Books books
1Poetry poetry
1Tutorials tutorials
1phd gopher server testing phd
0Identity & Contact identity.txt
0My GPG key public.gpg

3
index.html
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@ -38,8 +38,7 @@
<div class="box">
<h3>Announcement Box</h3><!-- https://stackoverflow.com/questions/57907979/javascript-shuffle-table-rows -->
<ul>
<li>2022-04-15: For anyone coming here in the next few weeks to find something to declare me a "lolcow" for or dox (however you spell it) me: I do not have any social media profiles, I am currently on (mostly) good terms with my parents, and I am doing my best to look for potential employment for after I graduate from college and my work-study ends. I understand I come across as unhinged on occasion, but I am trying my best to live a good and kind life. Please just leave me alone and save your investigative efforts for sexual predators and online grifters and other actually harmful people instead of just those who are even <em>slightly</em> idiosyncratic.</li>
<li><del>2022-03-10</del>2022-04-15: <div class="lesbian">Hello (again), Kiwi Farms!</div> I'm glad you like Let's Decentralize! (You know you have your referer headers enabled, right?) Please leave me alone.</li>
<li>2022-04-21: I will be turning a year older soon. <a href="mailto:vanevander@mayvaneday.org">Birthday wishes</a> would be much appreciated.</li>
</ul>
</div>
<hr>

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#!/bin/bash
neofetch

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poetry/e/end.txt Normal file
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@ -0,0 +1,72 @@
In The End Of Everything
2022-04-21
***
I stepped outside during work today,
hoping to take a sip of the clouds,
because there was nothing else to do
and inside was boiling,
stifling,
all headaches exhumed.
Dismal sky
and rain light
on its way,
my head cocked, listening
to the wind, hoping to catch a word from you.
A word, maybe, or a song, or a single note.
Your voice always
lifts me up from my lows
and helps me down from my worst highs.
And in this wind, I think, I could take flight
without fear of being caught in a tornado
or taken to lands foreign and unknown
because I know
all roads lead back to you.
In this wind, in this shower,
I could easily disappear.
What if I was wrong all along
and in reality Eris
yearned for my silence
and you gave me all my songs?
Only recently
having learned to read
and literature never being your thing?
Listening to the midnight trees
scrape against my bedroom window
the years of my childhood where you I did not know.
I look back and angel numbers appear everywhere I go
in everything I've ever done.
How loud did you scream, Jett?
How hard did you pound your fists?
How long did you wait
to see what I'd retained,
what slivers of memory still did persist?
The rain pounds harder outside the window,
and if I'd still been standing on the sidewalk,
my jacket would've long since been soaked through.
An absence of birds
making their curves
along the canvas of the sky,
just a not-even-gray as far as possible
can see the eye.
What I would give for the workday to be over
and to be tucked safely in my bed,
resting in the sturdy-yet-soft arms
of my lover.
To know
tomorrow
will be brighter,
kinder,
holding less harms.
And the tornado comes,
uninvited,
and nothing more.
***
CC BY-NC-SA 4.0 (c) Vane Vander

3
poetry/header.gph Normal file
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@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
iIf there's something missing here,
iit's probably been moved to a book.
1Books ../books

58
poetry/index.gmi
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@ -2,45 +2,50 @@
## A
=> a/a-birthday-every-day.txt a birthday every day
=> a/access.txt A New Page
=> a/airborne.txt airborne
=> a/a-royal-color.txt a royal color
=> a/arrhythmia.txt Arrhythmia
=> a/artisto.txt artisto
=> a/a-smearing-of-galaxies.txt a smearing of galaxies
=> a/dang-trees.txt all these dang trees everywhere
=> a/artisto.txt artisto
=> a/access.txt A New Page
=> a/a-royal-color.txt a royal color
## B
=> b/bukedo.txt bukedo
=> b/blizzard-girl.txt blizzard girl
=> d/deadend.txt Breaking Down The Dead-End Sign
=> b/better-version.txt Better Version
=> b/birdgazing.txt Birdgazing
=> b/blizzard-girl.txt blizzard girl
## C
=> c/corner-witch.txt CORNER WITCH
=> c/corner-witch-2.txt CORNER WITCH II
=> c/carmine.txt Carmine Red
=> c/choco.txt That Ain't Chocolate, Son
=> c/clocktower.txt Clocktower Blitz
=> c/comer-beber.txt comer, beber
=> c/confectionery-contempt.txt confectionery contempt
=> c/corner-witch.txt CORNER WITCH
=> c/corner-witch-2.txt CORNER WITCH II
=> c/crescendo.txt crescendo
=> c/choco.txt That Ain't Chocolate, Son
=> c/carmine.txt Carmine Red
## D
=> d/daybreak.txt daybreak
=> d/deadend.txt Breaking Down The Dead-End Sign
=> d/driven.txt Driven To Death
## E
=> e/edell.txt Edell
=> e/earthbound.txt earthbound
=> e/edell.txt Edell
=> e/end.txt In The End Of Everything
## F
=> f/falantaj-folioj.txt falantaj folioj
=> f/fantomurbo.txt fantomurbo
=> f/felicxa.txt felicxa, sana, elkore
=> f/fatali.txt fatali
=> f/father-no-longer.txt Father No Longer
=> f/female-urge.txt The Female Urge To...
=> f/feverdream2009.txt Fever Dream 2009
=> f/firebrand.txt firebrand
=> f/flickering.txt Flickering Out
=> f/forgesitaj-memoroj.txt forgesitaj memoroj
=> f/forgive-me-marcel.txt forgive me, Marcel
=> f/fatali.txt fatali
=> f/firebrand.txt firebrand
=> f/feverdream2009.txt Fever Dream 2009
=> f/flickering.txt Flickering Out
=> f/father-no-longer.txt Father No Longer
## G
=> g/gemini.txt Gemini
@ -51,6 +56,7 @@
## H
=> h/haru.txt Haru
=> h/hoarding.txt Hoarding
=> h/home.txt You Can't Go Home Again
## I
=> i/irantaj.txt irantaj, irantaj, irinta
@ -62,7 +68,7 @@
## K
=> k/kafejo.txt kafejo
=> k/kie-2.txt kie ajn vi estas, parto du
=> k/kubla-clam.txt Kubla Clam
=> k/kublaclam.txt Kubla Clam
=> k/killing-calvin.txt Killing Calvin
=> k/konton-no-tsukai.txt Konton no Tsukai
@ -80,16 +86,17 @@
=> m/montana2.txt Montana II
=> m/montana3.txt Montana III
=> m/montana4.txt Montana IV
=> m/morgueatorium.txt Morgueatorium
## N
=> n/namesake.txt Namesake
=> n/neniam-mian.txt neniam mian
=> n/nil.txt Nil
=> n/nomadic.txt nomadic
=> n/neniam-mian.txt neniam mian
=> n/nosteponsnek.txt no step on snek
=> n/novatore.txt novatore sang in the sun
=> n/state.txt No Sustained State Has Ever Existed (All Empires Fall Eventually)
=> n/nosteponsnek.txt no step on snek
=> n/not-found.txt not found
=> n/namesake.txt Namesake
## O
=> o/october-7-2018.txt october 7, 2018
@ -102,7 +109,7 @@
=> p/prayer-dark.txt prayer to dark
=> p/prayer-light.txt prayer to light
=> p/prepari.txt prepari
=> p/pressed-flower-petals.txt pressed flower petals
=> p/pressed.txt pressed flower petals
=> p/psa.txt Public Disservice Announcement
## R
@ -110,11 +117,11 @@
=> r/regnant.txt regnant
=> r/rondiro.txt rondiro de lukso
=> r/rugxa.txt rugxa kresto
=> r/ridge.txt The Ridge
## S
=> s/sakura.txt Saint Sakura
=> s/sanktulo.txt sanktulo de nuboj
=> s/school3.txt school-mandated poetry: day 3 / free verse
=> s/school4.txt school-mandated poetry: day 4 / acrostic
=> s/school5.txt school-mandated poetry: day 5 / abecedarian
=> s/school6.txt school-mandated poetry: day 6 / terza rima
@ -126,6 +133,7 @@
=> s/skin.txt skin
=> s/sleepover2011.txt Sleepover 2011
=> s/somnolence.txt Somnolence
=> s/stealing-time.txt Stealing Time
=> s/sweet-summer.txt Sweet Summer
=> s/strange-proposal.txt A Strange Proposal
=> s/strawberry.txt Strawberry Pound Cake
@ -139,7 +147,6 @@
=> t/to-velouria.txt To Velouria
=> t/treatise.txt A Treatise between Koriel and Solstice
=> t/twenty-one.txt Twenty-One
=> r/ridge.txt The Ridge
=> t/two-two.txt Two Two
## U
@ -155,6 +162,3 @@
=> w/wip.txt WIP
=> w/withering.txt withering
=> w/wme.txt (w/m)e
## Y
=> h/home.txt You Can't Go Home Again

88
poetry/gophermap → poetry/index.gph
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@ -1,49 +1,52 @@
Poetry
iThis gophermap is under construction.
iA
0a birthday every day a/a-birthday-every-day.txt
0A New Page a/access.txt
0airborne a/airborne.txt
0a royal color a/a-royal-color.txt
0Arrhythmia a/arrhythmia.txt
0artisto a/artisto.txt
0a smearing of galaxies a/a-smearing-of-galaxies.txt
0all these dang trees everywhere a/dang-trees.txt
0artisto a/artisto.txt
0A New Page a/access.txt
0a royal color a/a-royal-color.txt
iB
0bukedo b/bukedo.txt
0Birdgazing b/birdgazing.txt
0blizzard girl b/blizzard-girl.txt
0Breaking Down The Dead-End Sign d/deadend.txt
0Better Version b/better-version.txt
iC
0CORNER WITCH c/corner-witch.txt
0CORNER WITCH II c/corner-witch-2.txt
0Carmine Red c/carmine.txt
0That Ain't Chocolate, Son c/choco.txt
0Clocktower Blitz c/clocktower.txt
0comer / beber c/comer-beber.txt
0confectionery contempt c/confectionery-contempt.txt
0CORNER WITCH c/corner-witch.txt
0CORNER WITCH II c/corner-witch-2.txt
0crescendo c/crescendo.txt
0That Ain't Chocolate, Son c/choco.txt
0Carmine Red c/carmine.txt
iD
0daybreak d/daybreak.txt
0Breaking Down The Dead-End Sign d/deadend.txt
0Driven To Death d/driven.txt
iE
0Edell e/edell.txt
0earthbound e/earthbound.txt
0In The End Of Everything e/end.txt
iF
0falantaj folioj f/falantaj-folioj.txt
0fantomurbo f/fantomurbo.txt
0felicxa, sana, elkore f/felicxa.txt
0fatali f/fatali.txt
0Father No Longer f/father-no-longer.txt
0The Female Urge To... f/female-urge.txt
0Fever Dream 2009 f/feverdream2009.txt
0firebrand f/firebrand.txt
0Flickering Out f/flickering.txt
0forgesitaj memoroj f/forgesitaj-memoroj.txt
0forgive me, Marcel f/forgive-me-marcel.txt
0fatali f/fatali.txt
0firebrand f/firebrand.txt
0Fever Dream 2009 f/feverdream2009.txt
0Flickering Out f/flickering.txt
0Father No Longer f/father-no-longer.txt
iG
0Gemini g/gemini.txt
@ -54,6 +57,7 @@ iG
iH
0Haru h/haru.txt
0Hoarding h/hoarding.txt
0You Can't Go Home Again h/home.txt
iI
0irantaj, irantaj, irinta i/irinta.txt
@ -83,16 +87,17 @@ iM
0Montana II m/montana2.txt
0Montana III m/montana3.txt
0Montana IV m/montana4.txt
0Morgueatorium m/morgueatorium.txt
iN
0Namesake n/namesake.txt
0neniam mian n/neniam-mian.txt
0Nil n/nil.txt
0nomadic n/nomadic.txt
0neniam mian n/neniam-mian.txt
0no step on snek n/nosteponsnek.txt
0novatore sang in the sun n/novatore.txt
0No Sustained State Has Ever Existed (All Empires Fall Eventually) n/state.txt
0no step on snek n/nosteponsnek.txt
0not found n/not-found.txt
0Namesake n/namesake.txt
iO
0october 7, 2018 o/october-7-2018.txt
@ -113,5 +118,48 @@ iR
0regnant r/regnant.txt
0rondiro de lukso r/rondiro.txt
0rugxa kresto r/rugxa.txt
0The Ridge r/ridge.txt
iS
0Saint Sakura s/sakura.txt
0sanktulo de nuboj s/sanktulo.txt
0school-mandated poetry: day 4 / acrostic s/school4.txt
0school-mandated poetry: day 5 / abecedarian s/school5.txt
0school-mandated poetry: day 6 / terza rima s/school6.txt
0school-mandated poetry: day 7 / triplet s/school7.txt
0school-mandated poetry: day 8 / ballad s/school8.txt
0Sedation in Alliteration s/sedation.txt
0Seris s/seris.txt
0Serpenton s/serpenton.txt
0Skin s/skin.txt
0Sleepover 2011 s/sleepover2011.txt
0Somnolence s/somnolence.txt
0Stealing Time s/stealing-time.txt
0Sweet Summer s/sweet-summer.txt
0A Strange Proposal s/strange-proposal.txt
0Strawberry Pound Cake s/strawberry.txt
iT
0the rebirth of memory t/the-rebirth-of-memory.txt
0the tomb t/the-tomb.txt
0the urban witch t/the-urban-witch.txt
0todo los dias t/todo-los-dias.txt
0To Luce t/to-luce.txt
0To Velouria t/to-velouria.txt
0A Treatise between Koriel and Solstice t/treatise.txt
0Twenty-One t/twenty-one.txt
0Two Two t/two-two.txt
iU
0uncharming veneer u/uncharming.txt
iV
0viaje v/viaje.txt
0victor v/victor.txt
iW
0warning w/warning.txt
0watershed w/watershed.txt
0WIP w/wip.txt
0withering w/withering.txt
0(w/m)e w/wme.txt

6
poetry/index.html
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@ -54,7 +54,8 @@
│   └── <a href="./d/driven.txt">driven.txt</a><br>
├── <a href="./e/">e</a><br>
│   ├── <a href="./e/earthbound.txt">earthbound.txt</a><br>
│   └── <a href="./e/edell.txt">edell.txt</a><br>
│   ├── <a href="./e/edell.txt">edell.txt</a><br>
│   └── <a href="./e/end.txt">end.txt</a><br>
├── <a href="./f/">f</a><br>
│   ├── <a href="./f/falantaj-folioj.txt">falantaj-folioj.txt</a><br>
│   ├── <a href="./f/fantomurbo.txt">fantomurbo.txt</a><br>
@ -76,6 +77,7 @@
│   ├── <a href="./h/haru.txt">haru.txt</a><br>
│   ├── <a href="./h/hoarding.txt">hoarding.txt</a><br>
│   └── <a href="./h/home.txt">home.txt</a><br>
├── <a href="./header.gph">header.gph</a><br>
├── <a href="./i/">i</a><br>
│   └── <a href="./i/irantaj.txt">irantaj.txt</a><br>
├── <a href="./index.gmi">index.gmi</a><br>
@ -172,7 +174,7 @@
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; └── <a href="./w/wme.txt">wme.txt</a><br>
<br><br><p>
22 directories, 122 files
22 directories, 124 files
</p>
<hr>