Jokes

Here you can shitpost your jokes that are somehow related to this wiki's topic. Just watch out for copyright (no copy-pasting jokes from other sites)!

Please do NOT post lame "big-bang-theory"/9gag jokes like sudo make sandwich or there are 10 types of people.

Also remember the worst thing you can do to a joke is put a disclaimer on it. Never fucking do that.

{ Many of the jokes are original, some are shamelessly pulled from other sites and reworded. I don't believe copyright can apply if the expression of a joke is different, ideas can't be copyrighted. Also the exact origins of jokes are difficult to track so it's probably a kind of folklore. ~drummyfish }

{ I would like to thank my friend Ramon who contributed to me many ideas for jokes here :D I usually modified them slightly. ~drummyfish }

C++
Why doesn't C++ have garbage collection? Because then it would have to collect itself.
Why is the maximum speed called terminal velocity? Because GUIs are slow.
What's the worst kind of lag? Gulag.
Ingame chat: "What's the country in the middle of north Africa?" {BANNED}
What sound does an angry C programmer make? ARGCCCC ARGVVVVVVVV
I have a mentally ill friend who tried to design the worst operating system on purpose. It boots for at least 10 minutes, then it changes the user's desktop background to random ads and it randomly crashes to make the user angry. He recently told me he is getting sued by Microsoft for violating their look and feel.
I am using a super minimal system, it only has one package installed on it. It is called systemd (alternatively Emacs).
Any Windows tutorial is really best called a "crash course".
How do you know a project is truly suckless? The readme is longer than the program itself.
How do you know a project is truly LRS? Its manifesto is longer than the program itself.
How do you know a project is truly bloated? Instructions on how to build it are longer than whole specification of a suckless programming language. { Also tranny software: COC is longer than source code etcetc. ~drummyfish }
Do you use Emacs? No, I already have an operating system.
Do you use Emacs? No, I already have a waifu.
Do you use Emacs? No, I already have carpal tunnel. Etc. :D
alias bitch=sudo
What's a trilobyte? 8 trilobits.
"Never test for a bug that you don't know how to fix." --manager; "If we cannot fix it, it isn't broken." --also manager
a joke for minimalists:
When is Micro$oft finally gonna make a product that doesn't suck???! Probably when they start manufacturing vacuum cleaners.
Why does a Ruby hater dislike gemini? Because it has gem. { Thanks to my dear friend :D ~drummyfish }
Can free software lead to insanity? I don't know, but it can make you GNUts.
Man sits on a toilet, taking a shit, he takes a piece of toilet paper, wipes sweat off of his face, then wipes his ass with it and goes away. The next day he does the same, he sits, takes a shit, wipes his face, wipes his ass, goes away. The third day he goes to the toilet, takes a shit, wipes his ass, wipes his face... oh shit :D { I came up with this when I was taking a shit. ~drummyfish }
Political activists walk into a bar. Pseudoleftist tells his friends: "hey guys, how about we have oppressive rulers and call them a government?" Capitalist says: "well no, let's have oppressive rulers and call them corporations". Liberal replies: "Why not both?". Monarchist goes: "no, it's all wrong, let's have oppressive rulers and call them Kings." To this pseudo communist says: "that's just shit, let's have oppressive rulers and call them the proletariat". Then anarcho pacifist turns to them and says: "Hmmm, how about we don't have any oppressive rulers?". They lynch him.
There are a lot of jokes at https://jcdverha.home.xs4all.nl/scijokes/. Also http://textfiles.com/humor/JOKES/, http://textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes-1.txt and so on. Also on wikiwikiweb under CategoryJoke, ProgrammerLightBulbJokes, also https://www.gnu.org/fun/ etc.
Hello, is this anonymous pedophile help hotline? Yes. My 8yo wants it real bad, will I give her better pleasure with oral or anal?
What do you call a woman that made a computer explode just by typing on it? Normal.
Does the invisible hand exist in the free market? Maybe, but if so then all it's doing is masturbating (or giving us a middle finger).
90% of statistics are fake.
When will they remove the touch and kill commands from Unix? Probably when they rename man pages to person pages.
If law was viewed as a programming code, it would be historically the worst case of bloated spaghetti code littered with magic constants, undefined symbols and dead code, which is additionally deployed silently and without any testing. Yet it's the most important algorithm of our society.
What does a chess player say when he meets another chess player? hElo. { Again thanks to a friend <3 ~drummyfish }
C++ is to C as brain cancer is to brain.
Entropy is no longer what it used to be. Nostalgia too.
At the beginning there was machine code. Then they added assembly on top of it to make it more comfortable. To make programs portable they created an operating system and a layer of syscalls. Except it didn't work because other people made other operating systems with different syscalls. So to try to make it portable again they created a high-level language compiler on top of it. To make it yet more comfortable they created yet a higher level language and made a transpiler to the lower level language. To make building more platform independent and comfortable they created makefiles on top of it. However, more jobs were needed so they created CMake on top of makefiles, just in case. It seems like CMake nowadays seems too low level so a new layer will be needed above all the meta-meta-meta build systems. I wonder how high of a tower we can make, maybe they're just trying to get a Guinness world record for the greatest bullshit sandwich in history.
How to install a package on Debian? I don't know, but on my Arch it's done with pacman.
green capitalism :'D my sides
Difference between a beginner and pro programmer? Pro programmer fails in a much more sophisticated manner.
What is a computer? A device that can make a hundred million very precise mistakes per second.
How many Python programmers do you need to change a lightbulb? Only one -- he holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
After all it may not take so long to establish our utopia. By the time Windows has updated we will have already done it ten times over.
One of the great milestones yet left to be achieved by science is to find intelligent life in our Solar System.
An evil capitalist, good capitalist and female genius walk in the park. A bee stings one of them. Who did it sting? The evil capitalists, the other two don't exist.
Cool statistics: 9 out of 10 people enjoy a gang rape.
What does a shitty programmer say when his program crashes? OOPs. { Thanks my secret friend. :D ~drummyfish }
Basement hackers never die, they just smell that way. Musicians never die, they just decompose (and musicians working part time are semiconductors).
int randomInt(void) { int x; return x; }
Boss: "We're going to need to store additional information about gender of all 1600 people in our database." Me: "OK that's only 200 extra bytes.". Diversity department: "You're fired."
Java is like Alzheimers -- it starts slow and in some time takes away all your memory.
the downto operator
My girlfriend just left me, she said it's because she thought I was a pedophile. Those are some strong words for an eleven year old.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Our new app partly adopts the KISS philosophy, specifically the "stupid" part.
I just had sex with a German chick, for some reason she kept yelling her age. (Or maybe she just didn't consent.)
I find it much more pleasant to browse the web on a 1 bit display, it can't display a rainbow.
What's long and sticky? A stick.
The term military intelligence is an oxymoron. The term criminal lawyer is a redundancy.
Why are noobs the most pacifist beings in existence? Because they never beat anyone.
What does short circuited capacitor and gratis software have in common? They are free of charge.
You scratch my tape, I scratch yours.
There's a new version of Debian Bull's Eye that's compiled exclusively with Rust. Its code name is Bull's Shit.
Manager is that who thinks 9 women can produce a child in 1 month.
Have you heard the atheists are starting their own non-prophet?
The latest gender studies paper concluded that if God exists, he is both man and woman, black and white, child and adult, straight and homosexual. Basically imagine Michael Jackson.
Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, do business.
How do you accelerate a Windows PC? By dropping it out of the window. (Hence the name?)
Shakespeare for programmers: 0x2b || !0x2b. { This one is a bit lame but at least it's not so common :D ~drummyfish }
An Apple a day keeps sanity away.
The goal of computer science is to create things that will last at least until we're finished building them.
Vision is what capitalist claims to have had after making a correct guess.
How many lesbians do you need to screw a lightbulb? Eleven: one to screw it and ten to talk about how great it was doing it without a man.
Look at that obese singer typing something on her laptop. I think it's a Dell.
A fine is tax for doing bad, a tax is fine for doing good.
What do you like most in a woman? My dick.
USA is the fastest progressing country in the world: it managed to jump from the uncivilized stage right to decadence without even going through the transitional stage of civilization.
Autocorrect is my worst enema.
If man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Hey I won a box with lifetime supply of condoms in an assembly programming competition! Turns out the box was just empty.
The new version of Windows is going to be backdoor free! The backdoor will be free of charge.

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Jokes

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Raw Blame History